Devoted Intent (PAPERBACK)

Tristan

The rain pelts down on us like the sky is mourning Robbie as much as we are. Jolie sits beside me, her face blank, eyes vacant, and hands limp at her sides. The only sign she’s feeling anything is the stream of tears falling silently down her face. My fingers ache to brush them away. I’ve never been able to stand seeing Jolie in pain—not when she broke her arm when she was seventeen, not when her dad got in a car accident four years ago and nearly died, and definitely not now. 

I’d give anything to trade places with Robbie, so she could have him back. So her heart wouldn’t be breaking into pieces right in front of me. 

I still can’t quite believe he’s gone. Robbie was like a brother to me. I’m both heartbroken and angry this happened. 

He should be here. 

He’s been my best friend for twenty years. How am I supposed to live without him? Without his jokes? His ability to make anyone he encountered smile? His steady and unending support? 

This isn’t how things were supposed to go. 

The pastor speaks, but I don’t hear a word he says. My own tears threaten to stream down my face, and my chest feels like it’s going to explode from all the pain I’m barely holding inside. Robbie’s mom lets out a heart-wrenching sob, and Jolie shakes beside me. 

She’s going to break. 

Reaching out, I grab her hand and hold it tight in mine. The second our skin makes contact, warmth and relief wash over me, soothing some of the pain. Her watery eyes connect with mine and a silent thank you passes between us. She needs the support as much as I do. 

The service continues in a blur, and then just as quickly as it began, it’s over. 

It’s weird how time continues when you feel like your whole world has stopped. 

Everyone starts to get up and leave, heading to the reception. Robbie’s mom is guided to the cars by Trent and Becka, but Jolie doesn’t make any move to go, so I stay seated next to her. She stares at the grave where the casket hangs over. The undertaker is waiting nearby to lower it as soon as we’re gone. 

Jolie’s shoulders start to shake, her chest caving in and her mouth parting, before she bends over, covering her face with her hands, and lets out a sob that shreds my heart. I want to take this pain from her, but I don’t know how. I can’t fix this. I can’t bring Robbie back to life any more than I can trade places with him. 

The undertaker moves forward, and his eyes drip with sympathy as he leans down to whisper in my ear, “I need to lower him down now.”

I nod silently and then pull Jolie into my arms, holding her head against my chest so she can’t see. She knows what’s happening. She doesn’t need the visual of her husband being lowered into the ground to haunt her for the rest of her life. 

She sobs into my chest, the tears making my jacket wet, but I know it won’t be noticeable once we get out from under the canopy and they’re covered by the heavy rain. 

I hold her tight and close my eyes. I’ve imagined holding Jolie since the first day I met her, but it was never like this. It was never while we were forced to say goodbye to the person we both loved. 

“Let’s go,” I say, my lips brushing against her hair. The sweet familiar scent of strawberries from her shampoo soothes me a little more.

She nods, and I tug her up with me when I notice her struggle to stand on her own. Her legs are shaky as we start to walk away, and her shoulders shake with more sobs. We’re halfway to my car when she stops abruptly, her hair hanging in strings around her face from the rain. 

“I can’t leave him here,” she sobs. 

I need to be strong for her, but she has no idea how much it’s killing me to leave him here too. “We need to leave, Jo.”

She shakes her head, her eyes pleading with me. 

My voice cracks as I say, “He’s gone, Jo.”

She closes her eyes in pain, and I see more than hear her take a stuttering breath. She shakes her head like she doesn’t want to believe it. 

That makes two of us. 

“Come on, I’ll take you home.”

She grabs my arm, her fingers white from how tight she grips me. “No. Please don’t take me back there. Anywhere but there. I can’t be in that house without Robbie. Not tonight.”

She doesn’t know it, but I’d give her anything she asked for if I could. I know my next suggestion is dangerous—for me more than her—but I can’t resist the idea of spending more time with her, even if it’s while she’s mourning the love of her life. 

“We can go back to my house.”

She closes her eyes and tips her face up to the sky, letting the rain wash away her tears. More will come later, I’m sure of it, but for now she’s taking the first step in trying to put herself together. When she looks back at me, her eyes are a little clearer and she nods. 

She takes a step forward and I’m right there with her. I’ll get her through this and be there for her, just like I always have. Because that’s what you do for the person you love. 

Robbie was always the love of her life.

And she’s always been mine.